Have you heard a good joke? [Archive]

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:15 AM

With so many people coming on here daily, everyone has a favorite joke or two that they love to tell or perhaps a great one that they just heard that they want to share. Here's your chance. The only rule is: KEEP IT CLEAN!!! We don't want this to get locked.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
Don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
And one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
We meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
Prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
Or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:16 AM

For the animal lovers

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:17 AM

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using t his new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

************************************************** *********

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up .

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:21 AM

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES
Love,Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:23 AM

Two masked men go into a bank to rob it. During the robbery, one of the robbers says to the other, "Hey Steve, this teller could be your twin."

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:24 AM

Some friends were throwing an anniversary party for a couple who have hit the 30 year mark. Everyone at the party was having a good time and enjoying themselves except for the husband of the couple. He was sitting on the couch sulking when his best man and best friend came over by him and asked him, "what's the matter?"

man: "These 30 years have been a living he!!. I can't stand that woman."

friend: "Oh come on now, you don't mean that. Afterall, you have made it through 30 years with her. It can't be that bad."

man: "Yes it is that bad. I wished I had killed her on our wedding night."

friend: "Don't talk so crazy. You would have gotten 30 years in prison for that."

man: "I know. Today I would have been a free man."

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:27 AM

From 1973 to 2006 - Ain't this the truth.!

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his
car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and
never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits
still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets
extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care
and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she
remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has
affair with female psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special
school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the
ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her
parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more
careful next time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by Hispanic community. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school
system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he
can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He
is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison and wearing an electronic tracking device
on her ankle for life

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:28 AM

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU STUPID IDIOT....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:32 AM

LEARN YOUR STATE MOTTO
===============================================
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But, It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Conneticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Home of the headless drivers
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars Hard At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing crazies, and Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an
Attorney ......
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: Home of Lake Erie and the Mistake By The Lake (Cleveland)
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Edjucashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo lnglas
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . and the sheep are scared!

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:35 AM

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:37 AM

Scientists have recently proven that diarhea is genetic. It runs in your jeans.

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:40 AM

There were two statues in a park, one male and the other a female, both staring at eachother for 100 years. Then God came down to reward both of them, he turned them both into humans and said: "i will give you the gift of life for 30mins for the both of you, in that time you can do anything u want, and when your time is up, you will be turned back into statues."

So the couple ran towards the bushes and hid behind it, you could almost hear faint giggles and groans. After 15mins they both came out the bushes and came towards God, God looked at his watch and said: "You still have 15 minutes left, go do something else"

Both of the statues looked at eachother and one of them said:
"This time you hold the pigeon and i'll poop on it"

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:43 AM

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:44 AM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

baseball_umpire

September 27th, 2007, 02:46 AM

The Difference Between Women And Men

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

krunchybox

September 28th, 2007, 12:00 PM

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity like my applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while at tempting to run my favorite applications! I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User

************************************************** *****************

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. It may even crash your system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

krunchybox

September 28th, 2007, 12:01 PM

A Dentist's Office

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with
it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

ATL Jones Bro3

September 28th, 2007, 01:45 PM

1 I created today.

My 1st job is gonna be at dollar tree so i can get a discount :)

krunchybox

September 28th, 2007, 03:48 PM

1 I created today.

My 1st job is gonna be at dollar tree so i can get a discount :)

lol...nice!!!

Detroitplaya

September 30th, 2007, 06:53 AM

This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at a traffic light because I wasn't really paying attention. It was obviously my fault!

Anyway, the guy who was driving got out.......and he was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy!"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

MichaelPittman32

October 2nd, 2007, 04:38 AM

Scientists have recently proven that diarhea is genetic. It runs in your jeans.
LOOOOOOL man thats awesome.........

vickhalloffame

October 2nd, 2007, 01:53 PM

yo mamma so fat and stupid i asked for a piece of paper and she gave me the domino's ad

jimo2305

October 2nd, 2007, 11:59 PM

Vermont: Yep
:rotfl:
This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at a traffic light because I wasn't really paying attention. It was obviously my fault!

Anyway, the guy who was driving got out.......and he was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy!"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
:rotfl:

why did the dog cross the road?

..to get away from michael vick...

krunchybox

October 5th, 2007, 12:53 PM

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: Where to?

Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell! them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3! . You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

Finess101

October 5th, 2007, 02:48 PM

LOOOOOOL man thats awesome.........

Smart and funny :rotfl:

[edit] Oops wrong quote

Brew Crew07

October 5th, 2007, 08:01 PM

WHAT TIME IS IT WHEN YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DENTIST? Tooth Hurty like 2:30 hahahahahhaahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rofl

MichaelPittman32

October 5th, 2007, 09:44 PM

Smart and funny :rotfl:

[edit] Oops wrong quote
dude what r u smoking?

ATL Jones Bro3

October 5th, 2007, 09:50 PM

Ok heres a nasty but funny joke......

So a girl asks to take a shower with her dad.... The dad say , "Ok, but dont look down." She looks down and says "Ohhh daddy! Whats that!!"

He says, "Oh thats just Mr Sammy." So she is scard that night and asks to sleep with him. He says ok

The next morning the dad wakes up in the hospitol. He says, "What happened??" The girl says, "Well I was playin with Mr Sammy, when he spit at me so i bit his he off, smahed his eggs, and burned his nest!!!"

SORRY BOUT THE NASTYNESS FOR THOSE WHO AR OFFENDED. ITS JUST A FUNNY JOKE I HEARD.

vickhalloffame

October 5th, 2007, 10:01 PM

i heard it also, one joke that i heard on gametrailers is the most stupidest joke and yet i have to say is the most funniest joke that i have ever heard. every time i say it i cannot help but laugh

why did the little girl drop her balloon?

because she got raped in the mouth.

Jordai

October 5th, 2007, 10:08 PM

Bobby and Harold got ready to go on a fishing trip on Harold's pond. Harold had a real big pond too. Bobby arrived at Harold's house about 7:00 in the morning...

Bobby: "Alright I brought my pole, bait. Oh yeah and its live bait"
Harold: "Thats awesome man because Im out of live bait. Glad you brought some..."

About 11:00 o'clock that morning-afternoon. Harold said to Bobby...

Harold: "You know, this is a great day. Kinda reminds me the day I got married..."
Bobby: "Irm, ha ha...Yeah I remember that day...He,he."

About 5 minutes later. Harold looks into Bobby tackle box. But before that he said to Bobby.

Harold: "Hey Bobby...Isn't today, that you are supose to get married?"
Bobby: "YES! I am. But I can't take that woman no more! GOSH!!"

Bobby opens to tackle box so hard and his fiance is in there.

Harold: "WHOA! Bobby!"

Bobby takes his fiance and then casts his rod out into the pond.

Bobby: "Take that you lil daughter of satan!"

Bobby's fiance was one of George Bush's twin daughters...

Jordai

October 5th, 2007, 11:16 PM

Jordai

October 5th, 2007, 11:51 PM

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

Jordai

October 5th, 2007, 11:56 PM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:07 AM

these jokes blow...........

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:15 AM

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
__________

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years"
__________

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde together?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: What did the Los Angeles Police Department and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither could catch a Bronco
__________

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond.

When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."

Bill replied, "Oh my bad, I thought you said, 'Throw out the first bi...' " his chief advisor replied quickly, "Yeah, I know"
__________

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair cussing to the holy God uncontrollably be?"

A youngest man in the back of the room raised his hand and answered, "Someone like Bob Knight!"

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:16 AM

these jokes blow...........

My are the best. :lol: I think all of them are good tho.

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:21 AM

My are the best. :lol: I think all of them are good tho.
dude you are basically writing a story, with like 400-500 characters to explain what u r sayin, like tht puts ppl off from reading........period.

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:23 AM

Did you look at the first page? Theres a story on that page also...

Lil' dumb redneck Dallas Cowboys fan...

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:26 AM

Did you look at the first page? Theres a story on that page also...

Lil' dumb redneck Dallas Cowboys fan...
LOL kid r u callin me a redneck? LOL and i aint a Dallas Cowboys fan, pull up ur pants an learn some manners. and i aint a redneck cuz i aint from ur hillbilly country so u can take it easy pal.

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:27 AM

no 1 is even reading the trash that u post, ur some dumb kid that no one gives an f about.

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:30 AM

Whoa, you Austrailian people got a way of words...Anyway I heard this joke from my friend like three days ago.
____________________________________

"The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
It's a game of inches.
That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
He found his tight end.
End around.
He had to stretch to get it in.
He's got great hands.
He blows them off at the line.
He bangs it in.
He could go all the way.
He gets it off just in time.
He goes deep.
He found a hole and slid through it.
He pounds it in.
He beats them off the line.
He gets penetration into the backfield.
And thats what it takes to be a great running back!"-Tim McCarver

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:33 AM

no 1 is even reading the trash that u post, ur some dumb kid that no one gives an f about.

Your the only one that I know that has been reading the trash I post because I think your having a crush on me...O my gosh, please man lay off! Your starting to gross me out. Get out of these forums.

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:34 AM

^^ dude u r a joke who r u kidding........n00b

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:35 AM

You make no sense.

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:35 AM

Your the only one that I know that has been reading the trash I post because I think your having a crush on me...O my gosh, please man lay off! Your starting to gross me out. Get out of these forums.
LOL im basically seein every post by you, im not even trying to read exactly what it is, but wonder why is that u think im hitting on u? what do u always have those thoughts kid? man u can keep thinkin that but all i kno is that im playin it str8, so u keep havin thoughts like that man ill leave u 2 it.

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:38 AM

Again, you make no sense.

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:40 AM

LOL i got a joke for u

Jordai went to a nightclub and asked sum dude where all the ladies at and next moment he found out this was the type of club for him, cuz he was surrounded by guys and he woke up in a gang bang group bed the next mornin to his knowledge he couldnt feel his azz. :P ENJOY.

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:45 AM

Ha ha, good joke but the name was wrong. The real name of the person was TO#81DLLSCWBYSWR.

You do relize that your just saying all this stuff just to have people to hate me and make fun of me right? Ha, ha. Your kinda querr.

Jordai

October 6th, 2007, 12:49 AM

MichaelPittman32 walked into the Phonics stored and asked the clerked if there was any books about changing your name. The clerk replied, "Oh yeah, look down on Row Y, Section 4." He look in that section and found a more better book and decided to take it than finding a book about name changning, the book was called.

"Dumb Idiots who spam 2K Forums"

MichaelPittman32: "Oh yeah, Im finally in!"

MichaelPittman32

October 6th, 2007, 12:58 AM

pfft dude that blows, hit me back when u got something better, and how am i spamming? LOL keep accusing people of stuff.

utjazz23

October 7th, 2007, 06:23 PM

wow all these jokes are super lame!!! I'mma stay outta that beef as well

krunchybox

October 8th, 2007, 12:26 AM

The thread started off decent. Went downhill pretty quick. That's what is lame.

krunchybox

October 15th, 2007, 02:42 PM

A Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round

krunchybox

October 15th, 2007, 02:44 PM

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."

krunchybox

October 15th, 2007, 02:45 PM

Ladies talking in Heaven...........

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

krunchybox

October 15th, 2007, 02:49 PM

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Birdseye frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or *******s."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

krunchybox

October 15th, 2007, 02:50 PM

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

krunchybox

October 15th, 2007, 02:51 PM

you know you live in 2007 when....

1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years

3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name

4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling

8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your
friends

9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.

10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

vickhalloffame

October 15th, 2007, 03:20 PM

kurtzy

October 17th, 2007, 03:36 PM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a
large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The
seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the
little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex”. “Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on
the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” he asked. The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

Hotsuma

October 17th, 2007, 03:40 PM

not really a joke..

We got a kid in my school.. Really really really black.. i mean he is dark..

yesterday was Jersey day we taking pictures for yearbook... my other friend goes.. Make sure you get him in the light so he is visible.. :)

Rapcity

October 17th, 2007, 10:44 PM

bump.......

Jordai

October 18th, 2007, 11:44 AM

If you ask Tim McCarver what time is it, he will tell you a whole 20 minute coment on how a clock works in the first place.

MichaelPittman32

October 22nd, 2007, 03:50 AM

krunchybox

October 22nd, 2007, 03:13 PM

As an older couple was getting ready for bed, the wife happened to look outside in the direction of her husbands workshop as she turned out the kitchen light. She immediately told her husband how she thinks he had left the light on in his shop, so could he please turn it out.

The husband then gets out of bed and heads down the stairs. As he is putting his shoes on, he too looks outside at the shop and sees that the light is on, but he also sees that there are four people in it taking stuff out.

So the husband promptly calls 911 to report the robbery in process. The 911 operator, though, told him that she had no police officers available to come and aid him and that he should just lock the door and call back if the situation worsens.

Disgusted, the man hung up and called back one minute later. He then told the dispatcher how he had just called a minute or so ago and reported a robbery in progress and that there is no longer any rush for the police to get there as he had went outside, grabbed his rifle, killed all four of the robbers.

Within five minutes, five police cars and two ambulances arrived at his home and the police caught the robbers red-handed. The police officer then asked the old man, "I thought that you had killed them all?" To which the old man responded, "I thought no one was available."

Hotsuma

October 22nd, 2007, 03:22 PM

BANKY

October 22nd, 2007, 03:40 PM

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

BANKY

October 22nd, 2007, 03:51 PM

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really **** me off."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.
"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in."
So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything."
"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!"
At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:
"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.
"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a F'N wooden one by yourself!"

krunchybox

October 23rd, 2007, 12:29 AM

After the Pope landed in New York, he flagged down a cab and asked to be taken the the U.N. building. With the noon rush hour in full swing, the cab wasn't making much progress and the pope was growing very frustrated, so he talked the cab driver into letting him try.

After the two switched places, pope as the driver and the cabbie as the backseat passenger, the pope's driving was very eratic. Eventually a police officer took notice and pulled him over. As the cop walked up toward the cab, he looked at the driver and dumbfounded, ran back to his squad car and radioed the chief.

Cop: "Chief, guess who I just pulled over!"

Chief: "I don't know, the mayor?"

Cop: "No, someone more important than the mayor!"

Chief: "The governor?"

Cop: "No, more important than the governor."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "No, even more important than the President."

Chief: "I don't know then, who?"

Cop: "I don't know either, but the Pope is driving him."

MichaelPittman32

October 23rd, 2007, 01:12 AM

WTF how long are the jokes?

krunchybox

October 24th, 2007, 12:45 AM

True story:

The day before I was leaving for Indianapolis for major surgery two years ago, I was talking to my grandfather. Sensing that I was nervous about what I was about to go through he told me,

"Don't worry son. There are only two things that can happen as a result of this surgery, you will either live or you will die. If you live, you will have nothing to worry about. If you die, there are only two places that you can go, heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about and if you go to hell, you will be so busy getting reunited with your old friends that you will have not time to worry."

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:15 AM

A funny list of dumb laws in the United States

Alabama
• A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone n ude or "in a substantially n ude state" except a babe in arms.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate. :eek:
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
• Incestuous marriages are legal.:eek:
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. :eek:
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• It's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."
• It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. :thumbsup:
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Masks may not be worn in public
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.
• No persons may sell "blow-out nuts".
• Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.
• Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
• Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
• The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.:rotfl:
• You may not drive barefooted.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:18 AM

Alaska

• A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
• Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.
• Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
• State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona
• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West).
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."
• Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.
• In Arizona it is illegal to take ***** photographs before noon on Sunday.
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
• It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house.
• Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
• Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
• Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
• Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.
• Prescott: No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• Tucson: Women may not wear pants.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:20 AM

Arkansas
• A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
• Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
• An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs.
• Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
• At Arkansas State University two people cannot hold hands while standing in a doorway unless they belong to a union.
• Fayetteville: It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
• Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
• In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.
• It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state.
• Little Rock: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.; Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term; It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday; No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
• Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.
• The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:21 AM

California
• A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. :confused:
• Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
• Arcadia: Pea***** have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
• A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol.
• Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
• California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.
• Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles.
• Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
• Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.
• In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.
• In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• In California it is illegal to have caller ID
• In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
• In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
• In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.
• In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
• In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a *** person. :rotfl: • In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
• In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
• In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.
• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
• Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
• Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
• Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.
• Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
• Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
• Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
• Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
• Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.
• San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
• San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."
• San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.
• San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
• Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
• The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:23 AM

Colorado
• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
• Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.
• Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
• Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
• Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
• Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
• Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.
• In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."
• In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to **** customers unless it is for instructional purposes.
• In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
• It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
• It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep in Logan County, Colorado.
• It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.
• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver.
• Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
• Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
• Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

Connecticut
• A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
• A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces
• Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn.
• Bloomfield, Conn: It's against the law to eat in your car.
• Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.
• Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• Druggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.
• Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
• Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands
• In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence.
• In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.
• In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the street
• In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street.
• In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.
• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
• In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.
• It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
• It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
• It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut.
• New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
• No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
• Southington: Silly string is banned.
• Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.
• The marriage of *******es and feeble-minded persons is prohibited.
• This state still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults."
• Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious."
• Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
• You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
• You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
• You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
• You may not educate dogs.

Delaware
• Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
• In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare.
• In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.
• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
• Lewes: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:25 AM

D.C.
• A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive.
• In Washington D.C. it is illegal to post a notice in public which calls another person a 'coward' for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
• It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia.
• The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
• The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

Florida
• (SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• Big Pine Key: It is illegal to molest a Key deer; If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
• Cape Coral: It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline; It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street (This law is limited to only those who do not own the house)
• Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned; While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited; It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired;
• Don't plan on using any of the celebratory Champagne bottle sizes known as Methuselahs, Salamanazars, Balthazars or Nebuchadnezzars. These very traditional Champagne bottle sizes are all illegal in Florida.
• Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.
• Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay.
• Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.
• In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.
• In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
• In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
• In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
• In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• Miami S***** Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami S***** Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."
• In Sarasota it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
• It is considered an offense to shower *****.
• It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
• It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.
• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
• It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor.
• It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.
• Key West: Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• Miami: It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown; No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle.
• Oral sex is illegal.
• Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
• Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person; It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel; A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
• Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained.
• Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
• Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00; You may not catch crabs.
• Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
• Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.
• When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
• You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:26 AM

Georgia
• Acworth: All citizens must own a rake.
• An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.
• A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled.
• Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
• Atlanta: Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp; One man may not be on another man's back.
• Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday; It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.
• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
• Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
• Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops.
• Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law.
• In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
• In Columbus, Georgia it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
• In Georgia, movie houses that want to show films on Sunday must reserve one showing a month for religious material.
• It is illegal in Georgia to use profanity in the presence of a corpse.
• In Quitman, It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
• It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.
• It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro.
• It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.
• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
• It used to be against the law in Jonesboro, Ga., to utter the words, "Oh boy."
• Jonesboro: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"
• Kennesaw: Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.
• Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
• Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
• One man may not be on another man's back.
• Signs are required to be written in English.
• St. Mary's: No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.
• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
• You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
Hawaii
• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
• Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird.
• In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician.
• It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents.
• It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.
• You will be fined if you do not own a boat.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:27 AM

Idaho
• Boise: Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.
• Coeur d' Alene: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.
• Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.
• Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
• If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.
• Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services.
• Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
• In Idaho walking along the street with a red-tipped cane is strictly prohibited.
• In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.
• In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."
• It's illegal to hunt from the back of an anima.
• It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
• Non-married couples in Idaho who engage in sexual intercourse can be jailed for up to six months
• Pocatello: A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view"; A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.
• Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
• The town of Idaho Falls, Idaho, forbids anyone over the age of eighty-eight to ride a motorcycle.
• You may not fish on a camel's back.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:30 AM

Illinois

• "Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.
• A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)
• A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. :D
• According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American". :confused:
• An Illinois state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him "master" while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples.
• Champaign: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. :rotfl:
• Chicago: Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire; It is illegal to give a dog whiskey; Kites may not be flown within the city limits; Spitting is forbidden
• Cicero: Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
• Crete: It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog; Cars may not be driven through the town.
• Des Plaines: Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
• Eureka: A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.
• Evanston: Bowling is forbidden; It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween; It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
• Fairfield: It is unlawful for "Negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise.
• Freeport: It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
• Galesburg: There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
• Homer: It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
• If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting.
• In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
• In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts.
• In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas.
• In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.
• In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and "expose the *****
• In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
• In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
• It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.
• It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog.
• It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
• It is legal to protest ***** in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
• It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
• It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded.
• Joliet: Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
• Kenilworth: A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow; Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
• Kirkland: Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets.
• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
• Moline: Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited; There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
• Morton Grove: You may not own a handgun
• Normal: It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
• Orland Park: No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
• Ottawa: Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
• Park Ridge: Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
• Peoria: Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway.
• Pullman: It is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb; It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck; It is legal to protest ***** in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
• The English language is not to be spoken.
• Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500.
• The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway."
• Under a 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun. Some do.
• You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
• You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
• You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.
• You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
• Zion: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:31 AM

Indiana
• "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.
• A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory **** if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
• A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)
• A sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks.
• A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
• All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
• Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
• Auburn: It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.
• Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.
• Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
• Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
• Beech Grove: It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
• Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
• Citizens are not allowed to attend a cinema or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
• Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
• Drinks on the house are illegal.
• Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: "Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks..." This was changed to "governmental facets."
• Elkhart: It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
• Evansville: While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
• Fort Wayne: You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It's In the Book".
• Gary: Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
• Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
• Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
• If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices.
• In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.
• In Indiana it is illegal to sell laughing gas with the intent to induce laughter.
• In South Bend, Indiana, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
• It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
• It is illegal in Elkhart, Indiana, for a barber to threaten to cut off a youngster's ears.
• It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
• It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.
• It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
• It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
• Liquor stores may not sell milk.
• Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
• Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
• Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
• No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
• One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
• Oral sex is illegal.
• Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
• Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
• South Bend: It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
• State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
• Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values. • Terre Haute: No one may spit on the sidewalk.
• The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
• Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
• You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table; the waiter or waitress has to do it.
• You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
• You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

Iowa
• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• An owner or employee of an establishment in Iowa that sells alcohol can't legally consume a drink there after closing for business.
• Don't plan on running a "tab" in Iowa; it's illegal.
• Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
• If a law enforcement officer is having a drink in a bar in Iowa and an employee pours water down the drain, the water is legally considered an alcohol beverage intended for unlawful purposes.
• In Dubuque any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
• In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
• In Marshalltown horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
• In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."
• Indianola: The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.
• It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
• It is illegal to hunt from an aircraft.
• It is illegal to accept a gratuity or tip in Iowa.
• It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
• Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free. :lol:
• Ottumwa: Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.
• Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet.
• The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread.
• Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
• You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time. :rotfl:

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:34 AM

Kansas
• Dodge City: It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk. All places of business must provide a horse water troft
• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
• In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
• In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.
• In Topeka, Kansas, servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups.
• In Wichita, at the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, all motorists are required to stop at the intersection, exit their vehicles, and fire three shotgun rounds, before continuing on their way.
• It is illegal to catch bullfrogs in a tomato patch.
• It is illegal to hunt whales.
• It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas.
• Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.
• Lawrence: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. No one may wear a bee in their hat.
• Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
• No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.
• Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
• Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
• Russell: Musical car horns are banned
• Salina: It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
• The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
• Topeka: The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.
• Wichita: Before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehicle and fire three shot gun rounds into the air. Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.

Kentucky
• A person can be sent to jail for five years for merely sending a bottle of beer, wine or spirits as a gift to a friend in Kentucky.
• An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid.
• A Kentucky statute says: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." Later, an amendment proposed: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses."
• All **** people in your house must be registered in Kentucky.
• An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds,
• Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140
• Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.).
• By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".
• Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors.
• Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
• In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street.
• In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today.
• In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year.:o
• In Kentucky you need a license to walk around **** on your property.
• In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
• It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times.
• It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
• It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale
• It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
• It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. :confused:
• Lexington: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
• No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1)
• No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)
• Owensboro: A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission. One may not receive **** sex.
All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948)

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:36 AM

Louisiana
• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault".
• Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.
• If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.
• It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.
• It is illegal to gargle in public places.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
• It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
• It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license.
• It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.
• Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.
• Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
• New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
• Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
• You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Maine
• After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
• In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
• It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River.
• In Maine, it is illegal to sell a car on Sunday unless it comes equipped with plumbing.
• In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.
• In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
• In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.
• It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland.
• Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
• Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
• You may not step out of a plane in flight. :confused:

Maryland
• Baltimore City: Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited. You may not curse inside the city limits.
• Baltimore: It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's illegal to take a lion to the movies. It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898) -Park Rule 6 It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.
• Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells.
• Columbia: You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.
• Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.
• Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future."
• In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine.
In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.
• In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters.
• In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks no matter how dirty they get.
• In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies.
• In Halethrope, Maryland kisses longer than one second are illegal.
• In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.
• In Maryland, men may not buy drinks for female bartenders.
• In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
• In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state.
• In the entire state of Maryland, it is illegal to give or recieve oral sex.
• It is a violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine.
• It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
• Maryland now requires that alcohol beverage writers be certified as experts by an agency of the state before they can receive product samples, which it limits to three bottles per brand.
• Ocean City: A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited
• Thistles may not grow in one's yard.
• You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
• You cannot swear while inside the city limits of Baltimore.
• You cannot throw a bail of hay out of a second story window in Annapolis.
• You may not curse inside the city limits.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:37 AM

Massachusetts
• A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.
• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
• Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
• Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
• Boston: It is illegal to play the fiddle. Two people may not kiss in front of a church. No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city. No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except o Sundays. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church. An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present. Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common. No one may take a bath without a prescription. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
• Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left.
• Bullets may not be used as currency.
• Burlington: You may not walk around with a "drink".
• Cambridge: It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk. It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday.
• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
• Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
• Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.
• Hingham: You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible. If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
• Hopkinton: Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
• Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
• Holyoke, Massachusetts, makes it unlawful to water your lawn when it is raining.
• In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers.
• In 1659 the state of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas.
• In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.
• In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.
• In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.
• In Boston, Massachusetts it is illegal to take a bath unless instructed to do so by a physician.
• In Massachusetts, it is unlawful to deliver diapers on Sunday, regardless of emergencies.
• In Massachusetts you must have a license to wear a goatee.
• In Massachusetts, if you get caught eating peanuts in church , you can be jailed for up to one year.
• In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.
• In Salem, Massachesetts sleeping in the **** in a rented room is forbidden, even for married couples.
• It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
• It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.
• It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost.
• It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
• It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
• It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building.
• It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road.
• It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.
• It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color.
• It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
• Longmeadow: It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
• Marlboro: It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun. Silly string is illegal in the city limits. One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
• Massachusetts law declares that peanuts may not be eaten in court.
• Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
• Milford: Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
• Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
• Newton: All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
• North Andover: An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
• Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
• Public boxing matches are outlawed.
• Quakers and witches are banned.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• Southbridge, Massachusetts, makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets.
• Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.
• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
• There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.
• Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
• Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.
• Woburn: In bars, it is illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand.
• You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
• You may not curse inside the city limits.
• You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour. :rotfl:

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:38 AM

Michigan
• A Michigan law states that a wife's hair legally belongs to her husband.
• A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
• Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
• In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
• In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
• In Detroit, Michigan it is illegal to sleep in a bathtub.
• In Rochester, Michigan, anyone bathing in public must have his or her bathing suit inspected by a police officer.
• It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
• It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit.
• It's illegal in Michigan for a person under the age of 21 to give a gift of alcohol beverage to anyone, even to a person of legal age.
• Permitting diners to take home an unfinished bottle of alcohol beverage, rather than consuming it all before leaving to prevent "waste," encourages moderation and discourages intoxication. However, this is prohibited in Michigan.
• Smoking while in bed is illegal.
• The use of the names of dead presidents to sell alcohol in Michigan is prohibited.
• Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house.

Minnesota
• A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent.
• A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death.
• A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
• A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
• All bathtubs must have feet.
• All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
• Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
• Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
• Clawson: There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
• Every man in Brainerd, Minnesota is required by law to grow a beard.
• Grand Haven: No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.
• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
• Harper Woods: It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.
• Hibbing: It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat.
• In Duluth, Minnesota it is illegal to allow animals to sleep in a bakery.
• In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren't enough of a deterrent.)
• It is illegal to sleep *****.
• It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
• It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed.
• Minneapolis: Red cars can not drive down Lake Street
• Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens.
• Minnesotans are forbade from teasing skunks.
• No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
• Oral sex is prohibited.
• Public intoxication is a crime in Pennsylvania but specifically not a crime in Minnesota.
• Rochester: All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police. Smoking while in bed is illegal.
• St. Cloud: Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
• There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.
• Virginia: You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.
• Wayland: Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.
• You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan. Kalamazoo: It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:39 AM

Mississippi
• Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.
• Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
• Columbus: The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
• Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.
• In Brandon, Mississipi it is illegal to attempt to stop someone from walking down the sidewalk by parking a motorhome in their path.
• In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
• In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises."
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.
• It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
• Oxford: It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session. One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square. Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited. Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.
• Tylertown: It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
• Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.
• Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.
• Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine.

Missouri
• Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri.
• Buckner: In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.
• Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri... but not toy cap guns.
• Excelsior Springs: Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.
• Four women may not rent an apartment together.
• Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
• In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home.
• In Merryville women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
• In Springfield, door to door salesman are prohibited from selling their goods while standing in the middle of the road, screaming at passing vehicles.
• In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
• In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
• It is illegal to have oral sex.
• It is not illegal to speed.
• It's illegal to sit on any street curb in St. Louis, Missouri, and drink beer from a bucket.
• Kansas City: Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.
• Marceline: Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.
• Marquette: It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).
• Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.
• Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
• Mole: Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.
• Natchez: It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.
• Purdy: Dancing is strictly prohibited.
• St. Louis: It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets. A milk man may not run while on duty.
• University City: Four women may not rent an apartment together.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:40 AM

Montana
• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
• In Billings, Montana it is illegal for employees of the city's communications center to program their phones with speed dial.
• Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana.
• Bozeman has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're ****.
• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
• It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.
In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
• Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
• Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
• Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
• Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
• Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
• Montana just legalized the production of caviar.

Nebraska
• A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
• A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
• Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.
• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
• In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing.
• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
• It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
• It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
• It is illegal to sleep ***** in a hotel/ motel room.
• Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold
• Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.
• The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the ****. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
• Waterloo: Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:41 AM

Nevada
• A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
• Clark County: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.
• Elko: Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.
• Eureka: Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
• In Eureka, Nevada men who have mustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
• In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.
• In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas.
• In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
• In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to *******es.
• In Reno, Nevada staging a marathon dance is illegal, although posting a notice on a fire hydrant about illegal dance marathons is not.
• In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest.
• It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school.
• It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
• It is illegal in Reno, Nevada to conceal a spray-painted shopping cart in your basement.
• It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
• Nyala: A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
• Saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families.

New Hampshire
• Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
• If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''.
• In New Hampshire it is illegal to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria.
• In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts.
• It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
• New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.
• White Mountain Nat. Forest: If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''.
• You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
• You may not run machinery on Sundays.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:42 AM

New Jersey
• Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
• Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
• Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
• Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
• Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
• Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
• Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
• If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
• In Berkley Heights you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday.
• In Newark it is illegal to buy ice cream after 6:00 p.m.
• In New Jersey it is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
• In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.
• It's illegal in New Jersey for parents to give their children under the age of 18 even a sip of alcohol.
• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
• It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
• It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
• It's also illegal in this state to throw a bad pickle on the street.
• Lovers in Liberty Corner should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
• Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
• Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
• Ocean City: People may not slurp their soup. Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday. Raw hamburger may not be sold.
• On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
• Raritan: Profanity is prohibited.
• Raw hamburger may not be sold.
• Sea Isle City: There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
• There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.
• Trenton: You may not throw a bad pickle in the street. Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.
• Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.
• You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
• You may not slurp your soup.

New Mexico
• A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated.
• Carrizozo: It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
• Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
• In Albuquerque, New Mexico it is illegal for cab drivers to reach out and pull potential customers into their cabs.
• In Carlsbad it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
• In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races.
• It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
• Las Cruces: You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.
• State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:44 AM

New York
• A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
• A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year.
• Carmel: A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
• Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".
• Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.
• During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
• In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
• In Greene, New York, During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
• In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.
• In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages.
• In New York City it is illegal for a man to give 'The Standard Lear' to a woman. Violators are forced to wear horse blinders.
• In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street.
• In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window.
• In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.
• In Ocean City, New York It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.
• In Ocean City New York, It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
• In Staten Island, New York, It is illegal for a father to call his son a "***got" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
• In Staten Island, New York, You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
• In Tonawanda, New York homeless people may not start a fire in the park unless they intend to cook food.
• It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
• It is illegal for a father to call his son a "***got" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
• It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."
• It is illegal to jump off the Empire State building.
• It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m.
• Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally.
• Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax.
• New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas.
• New York: Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building. Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
• New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days.
• New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it.
• Ocean City: It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle. It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
• Staten Island: You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand. It is illegal for a father to call his son a "***got" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
• The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways.
• The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home."
• The penalty for jumping off a building is death. :confused: :rotfl:
• To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint.
• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
• You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.
• You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:45 AM

North Carolina
• A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun."
• An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something.
• In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine.
• A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.
• All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
• All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.
• Barber: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
• By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet."
• Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates.
• Chapel Hill: It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.
• Charlotte: Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. E
• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
• Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
• Forest City: You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.
• Greensboro: Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.
• Hornytown: Massage parlors have been banned.
• In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
• In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life."
• If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
• If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry.
• In Barber, North Carolina fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
• In Chapel Hill, North Carolina it is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.
• In Charlotte, NC, woman must have their bodies covered with at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
• In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubber bands.
• In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table.
• In Nags Headm North Carolina you can be fined for singing out of tune for more than ninety seconds.
• In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor.
• North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government."
•In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law.
• In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. It's also legal to sell cottonseed at night.
• In North Carolina it is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
• In Winston-Salem, North Carolina, it is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college.
• It is against the law to roller blade on a state highway.
• It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
• It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.
• It's against the law to sing off key.
• It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing."
• Kill Devil Hills: You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
• Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
• North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted.
• Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.
• Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants.
• Rocky Mount: It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.
• Southern S*****: It is against the law to roller-blade on a state highway.
• Thomasville, North Carolina, prohibits airplanes from flying over the town on Sundays during the hours between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m.
• The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m.
• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
• You can't sneeze on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina.
• You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
lon College: There is to be no roller-blading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick.

North Dakota
• Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
• Fargo: One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.
• In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year
• In North Dakota it is illegal to keep an elk in a sandbox in your backyard.
• In Waverly you better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.
• State law of North Dakota prohibits serving beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:46 AM

Ohio
• According to Ohio law, it's against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license.
• A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it's a police dog.
• Bay Village: It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.
• Bexley: The installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.
• Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
• Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.
• Cincinnati: **** intercourse is banned.
• Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!
• Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.
• In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
• Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.
• In Chillicothe, Ohio it is illegal to throw rice at weddings.
• Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
• Fairview Park: It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor. Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.
• Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75.
• In Columbus, Ohio it is illegal to sell cornflakes on Sunday.
• In Marysville, Ohio it is illegal for a dog to urinate on a parking meter.
• In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town.
• In ohio it is illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi cab
• In ohio it is illegal to run out of gas
• In Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear
• In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
• In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
• In Oxford, Ohio, it is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face.
• In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar
• Ironton: Cross-dressing is against the law.
• It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.
• It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
• It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
• It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
• It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
• It is legal to throw a snake at someone but it is illegal to shake a snake at someone.
• Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn • even though he had the owner's permission.
• Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.
• It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
• Lima: Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.
• Lowell: It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.
• Marion: You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.
• McDonald: Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.
• No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
• No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
• North Canton: It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.
• Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
• Oxford: It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
• Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
• Paulding: A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
• The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
• Toledo: Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.
• Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
• Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
• Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
• You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.
• You may not run out of gas.
• Youngstown: Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed. You may not run out of gas.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:48 AM

Oklahoma
• Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place.
• A City Ordinance in Oklahoma, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
• Ada: If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.
• Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.
• Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
• Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against ************ while watching two people having sex in a car.
• Clinton: Molesting an automobile is illegal.
• Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
• Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
• Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.
• Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
• If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply.
• If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.
• In Broken Arrow, Oklahoma pigs less than 32 inches in length may be kept as pets provided there are no more than two in a house.
• In Bromide, Oklahoma it is illegal for children to use towels as capes and jump from houses pretending to be superman.
• In Oklahoma... Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
• In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
• In Tulsa, Oklahoma the limit on kisses is three minutes (by law).
• In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
• It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.
• It is illegal to have sex before you are married.
• It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
• It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.
• It's statutory **** for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she's a virgin. If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply.
• Molesting an automobile is illegal.
• No one may spit on a sidewalk.
• Oklahoma City: No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.
• Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. • One may not promote a "horse tripping event".
• Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punisable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine.
• People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
• Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings.
• Schulter: Women may not gamble in the ****, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.
• Tattoos are banned.
• Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.
• Tulsa: You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.
• Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
• Whale hunting is strictly prohibitted throughout the entire state of Oklahoma.
• Whaling is illegal.
• Women may not gamble in the ****, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.
• Wynona: One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended. Mules may not drink out of bird baths. Clothes may not be washed in bird baths.
• Yukon: It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall. While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.

Oregon
• Beaverton: You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.
• Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
• Dishes must drip dry.
• Eugene: It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.
• Hood River: Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.
• In Oregon anyone with a bad reputation is prohibited from distributing malt beverages.
• In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature **** dancing to be within two feet of the dancers.
• In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
• It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits.
• It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
• It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex.
• It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink.
• It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
• Just to let you guys know. there is a law in Portland, Oregon saying that it is illegal to own bolt cutters but yet they sell them in all the local hardware stores. One of our friends got pulled over for carrying a bolt cutter down the street and the police took it away from him saying it was illegal for him to have. (Reader Submitted)
• Klamath Falls: It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.
• Marion: Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
• Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
• Myrtle Creek: One may not box with a kangaroo.
• No more than two people may share a single drink.
• One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
• One may not box with a kangaroo.
• People may not whistle underwater.
• Portland: It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. People may not whistle underwater. You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.
• Salem: Women may not wrestle in Salem. Springfield It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.
• Stanfield: It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits. Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms. No more than two people may share a single drink.
• The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.
• You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
• You must let your dishes drip dry.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:49 AM

Pennsylvania
• A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
• A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
• All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
• Allentown: There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.
• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
• Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.
• By law, "watch stuffers" are unwelcome in McKeesport, Pa. Now, no one is quite sure what a watch stuffer does, but whatever he does, he better do it somewhere else.
• Carlisle: In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved.
• Connellsville: One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist.
• Danville: All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
• Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish.
• Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.
• If a motorist sees a horse coming down the road, the driver must pull off to the side of the road and cover the vehicle with canvas. If the horse is still scared the driver must get out of his car and take it apart until the horse isn't scared anymore.
• In Bensalem, Pennsylvania it is illegal to race mufflerless go-karts after 6PM on Sunday.
• In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
• In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium.
• In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."
• In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags.
• In the Mount Pocono region any group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot.
• In York, Pennsylvania, you can't sit down while watering your lawn with a hose.
• It sounds like the title of a rock album or something, but "Coasting on Beaver Street" is illegal in Edgeworth, Pa.
• It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.
• It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to • 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
• It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
• Millville: One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets. The sale of alcohol is prohibited.
• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
• Morrisville: It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.
• Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
• Newtown: Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents.
• No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
• No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor"
• No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator. Stoves, dishwashers and microwave ovens are not specifically mentioned.
• Pittsburgh: It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car. No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
• Ridley Park: You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance.
• Tarentum: Horses are not to be tied to parking meters.
• The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
• Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
• Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
• Witchcraft was first legalized in the colony of Pennsylvania.
• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
• You may not catch a fish with your hands.
• You may not sing in the bathtub.

Rhode Island
• Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.
• Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second.
• In Providence, Rhode Island it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
• In Newport, Rhode Island it is illegal to smoke from a pipe after sunset.
• In Scituate, Rhode Island it is illegal to keep a flock of chickens in your motorhome if you live in a trailer park.
• Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine.
• It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
• It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years.
• It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged.
• It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.
• It's a misdemeanor to keep more than 11 inoperable vehicles in front of a house.
• Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday.
• Providence There is not an appeals process for exemption of property tax due to a disability or poverty. It is illegal to wear transparent clothing. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
• Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.
• This state still prohibits unmarried people from having sex under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined only 10 dollars
• West Warwick It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:50 AM

South Carolina
• A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people.
• All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day.
• By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.
• Charleston: It is against the law to drive a motorized vehicle on King Street. The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire brake.
• Dance halls may not operate on Sundays.
• Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.
• Fortune tellers are required to obtain a special permit from the state.
• Fountain Inn: Horses are to wear pants at all times.
• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.
• In some church in South Carolina, every man must bring a rifle to church on Sunday to ward off Indian attacks.
• In some town in South Carolina, it is perfectly legal for a man to beat his wife. But only if its on the courthouse steps on Sunday.
• In South Carolina, wife beaters weren't allowed to hold public office.
• In South Carolina you can be fined for not denouncing "the evils of intemperance" on the fourth Friday of every October.
• It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.
• It is considered an offense to get a tattoo.
• It is illegal to communicate with a woman using obscene messages.
• It is illegal to display a confederate flag on a courthouse.
• It is illegal to give or receive oral sex.
• It is illegal to sell any alcoholic beverages on Sunday, unless you own a private club.
• It is legal to beat your wife on a Sunday morning on the steps of the state house.
• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
• Lancaster County: It is illegal to dance in public.
• Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold.
• Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday.
• No work may be done on Sunday. An exception is that light bulbs may be sold.
• On Hilton Head Island, South Carolina it is illegal to shine a flashlight on a sea turtle
• Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal.
• Railroad companies may be held liable in some instances for scaring horses.
• Spartanburg: Eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden.
• When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.

South Dakota
• If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them.
• In hotels in Sioux Falls, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
• In South Dakota no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
• In South Dakota it is illegal to try to convince a pacifist to renounce his beliefs by threatening to arm-wrestle him.
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
• Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
• No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
• Spearfish: If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon. :rotfl:

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:52 AM

Tennessee
•"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
• Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud ***** that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.
• Driving is not to be done while asleep.
• Dyersburg: It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
• Fayette County: You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.
• Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law.
• Hollow logs may not be sold.
• In Jonesboro, Tenn., a slingshot used to be classified by law as a deadly weapon.
• In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it, waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
• In Tennessee hollow logs may not be sold.
• In Tennessee it is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish.
• It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
• It is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.
• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
• It is legal to gather and consume road kill
• It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
• Knoxville: In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post."
• Lenoir City: When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.
• Lexington: No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited.
• Memphis: Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM. Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis. It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
• More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
• Nashville: Males may not be sexually aroused in public.
• Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging.
• The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin. :confused:
• You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
Oneida: An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."

Texas
• A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• Abilene: It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
• Austin: Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
• Beaumont: Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
• Borger: It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
• Clarendon: It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
• Dallas: It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.
• El Paso: Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
• Galveston: It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.
• Houston: Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
• If two trains going in opposite directions on the same track meet each other, one can't move until the other does.
• If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise.
• In Alamo a person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.
• In Corpus Christie it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
• In Dallas County it is illegal to own any realistic looking, phallic shaped, personal massager more than one foot in length.
• In Houston you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday.
• In Kingsville, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
• In Lefors, Texas it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing.
• In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts.
• In Texas criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to carry a pair of wire-cutters in your back pocket.
• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
• It is illegal for a person to shoot a buffalo from the second story of their hotel.
• It is illegal to have an open container in a car.
• It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it is attached with a chain
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• It is illegal to spit on the sidewalk.
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
• It is legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as he uses something no bigger than his thumb.
• It is legal for the blind to go hunting as long as they have someone with them who isn't blind.
• It is legal to commit a homicide as long as you tell the person when, and how you are going to kill them.
• It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
• In San Antonio, Texas, you can't honk a horn, run a generator, have a revival meeting or do anything else that disturbs the neighborhood and the city has a four-member noise police squad to enforce the law.
• In Texas any artificial constructed underwater barrier reefs must come with an instruction booklet.
• In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities.
• It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
• Jasper: Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.
• LeFors: It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
• Lubbock County: It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.
• Mesquite: It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
• Port Arthur: Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.
• Richardson: It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street. It is illegal to do "U Turns".
• San Antonio: It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
• Temple: No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. You can ride your horse in the saloon. Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.
• Texarkana: Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.
• Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
• Texas state law prohibits taking more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
• There is an old law in Texas that states you are unable to tuck your pants into one boot unless you own ten or more cattle.
• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
• You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:54 AM

Utah
• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.
• A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds. • In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.The man does not receive any punishment.
• Birds have the right of way on all highways.
• In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.
• In Utah it is illegal to fish from horseback.
• In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• In Utah when a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.
• It is against the law to fish from horseback.
• It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
• It is illegal not to drink milk.
• It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
• It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
• Kaysville: You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark.
• Logan: Women may not swear.
• Monroe: Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.
• No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.
• No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
• Provo: Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
• Salt Lake City: No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
• The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BAFT) bans the word "refreshing" to describe any alcohol beverage.
• Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
• Tremonton: It is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance and if you are caught, the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.
• Trout Creek: Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
• When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.
• You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

Vermont
• As in most dairy states, Vermont does what it can to discourage the use of margarine. For example, it's illegal to use colored margarine in restaurants unless the menu indicates you do--in letters two inches high. Colored margarine can only be served in triangle shaped patties.
• At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
• Barre All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.
• Call a Vermont court a "kangaroo court" or some similar moniker, and you might be looking at a $200 fine. It is illegal to defame a court.
• In Vermont It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.
• In Vermont it is illegal to paint landscapes in times of war.
• In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
• It is illegal to deny the existence of God
• It's against the law in Vermont for vagrants to procure food by force. Apparently if you have a good job and stable home life, it's O.K. to procure food by force.
• Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
• Whistling underwater is illegal
• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia
• An old Virginia law was titled, "An Act to Prevent Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other Than a Candidate."
• As in many towns, you need a permit to run a barbershop in Christiansburg, Va. But the wording of the town's law indicates that the permit will be revoked if you're caught operating without a permit.
• A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses.
• Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
• Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.
• Culpeper: No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.
• Dayton: A person of color may not be outside or within the city limits after 7 pm.
• Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited.
• If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations.
• If you are intoxicated but not driving your car, but the person who is driving your car is intoxicated, both you and the driver can be charged with DUI in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
• In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to imitate a police whistle.
• In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to "spit, expectorate or deposit any sputum, saliva or any form of saliva or sputum."
• In Newport it's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
• In Norfolk a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
• In Radford, VA you are not allowed to spit, loogie, puke or urinate on the streets.
• In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.
• In Richmond, Virginia it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
• It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
• It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.
• It is illegal to tickle women.
• Lebanon: It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
• Norfolk: Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated. A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere. Women must wear a corset after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.
• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary.
• Perhaps anticipating telemarketing, the town fathers of Albany, Va., have for years prohibited peddlers from using the telephone to either sell things or raise funds.
• Police radar detectors are illegal.
• Richmond: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.
• Stafford County: It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.
• Swearing at someone over the phone in virginia is punishable by a $100 fine.
• There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."
• There was once a law in Salem Virginia that made it illegal to leave home without knowing where you were going.
• Victoria: It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.
• Virginia Beach: If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's. It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike. It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk. It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.
• Waynesboro: It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.
• You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday.
• You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc.
• You may not have oral or **** sex.
• You may not work on Sunday.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:55 AM

Washington
•"It shall be unlawful for a candidate for office or for nomination thereto whose name appears upon the ballot at any election to give to or purchase for another person, not a member of his or her family, any liquor in or upon any premises licensed by the state for the sale of any such liquor by the drink during the hours that the polls are open on the day of such election."
• A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."
• All lollipops are banned.
• All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.
• An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel.
• A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent."
• Auburn: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
• A Washington state law offers the presumption that youngsters will read comic books.
• Bremerton: You may not shuck peanuts on the street.
• Everett: It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.
If the honey you are eating in Seattle is a blend of honey from or more types of flowers, it's illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.
• In Electric City, WA, it is illegal to "keep[ ] or permit[ ] to remain, in any location . . . anything whatsoever in which flies or rats may breed or multiply."
• In Olympia, Wash., minors are prohibited from frequenting pool halls.
• In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
• In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race.
• In the state of Washington, there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances.
• In the state of Washington it's illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.
• In Washington state it's illegal for a candidate to buy anyone a drink on Election Day.
• In Washington state it's illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner's permission.
• In Washington state it's illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts.
• In Washington it's illegal to pretend you're the child of a rich person and entitled to his estate.
• In Washington, anyone under the age of 18 must have parental permission to throw a tear gas canister.
• In Washington state, until quite recently, you could have been fined up to $500 for removing or defacing the label on a pillow.
• It is illegal to deflower a virgin even on their wedding day.
• It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
• It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
• It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
• Lynden: Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.
• People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
• Seattle: You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term. No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission. It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus • because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.
• Spokane: TV's may not be bought on Sundays.
• The state of Washington doesn't allow marathon dancing--or marathon skipping, sliding, gliding, rolling or crawling.
• There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a motorcar driven at night must be preceded by something like 100 yards by a man carrying a lantern.
• Under the law of the state of Washington, any restroom with pay toilets has to have an equal number of free toilets. This law came to pass after the speaker of the state House of Representatives raced to an all-pay facility without a dime.
• Waldron Island: No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing.
• Washington state doesn't allow fake wrestling.
• When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.
• Wilbur: You may not ride an ugly horse.
• You are not allowed to breast feed in public.
• You need a license to sell condoms in Washington state.

West Virginia
• According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.
• Alderson: One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
• A person may not hold public office if they have ever taken part in a duel. A person may be jailed for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challenge.
• Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
• Huntington: Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse. It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.
• If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
• In Alderson, West Virginia, it is illegal to walk a lion, tiger or leopard in the city limits, even it is on a leash.
• In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
• In West Virginia it is illegal to dig for ginseng on your neighbor's lawn without their permission.
• In West Virginia, it is legal for one to take roadkill home for dinner
• In West Virginia you cannot fly a red flag in front of your house if you are disappointed in your sherrif.
• It is against the law for men to have sex with any animal over 40 pounds in weight.
• It is illegal to put an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sundays.
• It is illegal to snooze on a train.
• It is illegal to spit on any sidewalk which women may walk down.
• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.
• It is unlawful for chickens to lay eggs before 8AM and after 4PM.
• Nicholas County: No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
• No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
• Road Kill may be taken home for supper. :)
• When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
• Whistling underwater is prohibited.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 10:59 AM

Wisconsin
• As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
• At one time, margarine was illegal.
• A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their '20s would use
• A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles."
• Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
• Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.
• Citizens may not murder their enemies.
• Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist's counter.
• In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
• In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
• In Wisconsin you are allowed to marry your house.
• In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license.
• In Wisconsin, after 3:00 a.m., you have to send a rocket signal in the air after every mile you drive.
• In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.
• It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train.
• It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
• Kenosha: No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.
• La Crosse: It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip). It is illegal to play checkers in public. You cannot "worry a squirrel."
• Milwaukee: An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car. It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention. If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day. It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.
• Next time you start a riot in Wisconsin remember that it is illegal to use a laser pointer to do so.
• Racine: It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.
• St. Croix: Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
• State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
• Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has. :confused:
• Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.
• You must manually flush all urinals in a building.

Wyoming
• An ordinance in Newcastle specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
• Cheyenne Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays.
• In Wyoming it is illegal to tattoo a horse with the intent of making it unrecognizable to its owner.
• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
• It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.
• Wyoming required that every inmate of the state's training school for girls be issued crinoline bloomers.
• You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.

krunchybox

October 26th, 2007, 11:01 AM

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Hotsuma

October 27th, 2007, 09:04 AM

My english class was doing alittle mini-project.. make up a character and give a description and make it rhyme and such..

3 to a group..

one group came up.. all 4 girls(Un even number of kids)..

I was like..

"Whats this.. all girl group? Girl power right?"
They was like "Hell ya girl power"

I was like "You *****es should be in the kitchen right now"

ahh it was great..
All out of fun..

I KNEW ALL THE GIRLS SO IT WAS ALL A JOKE!!

I know we got some feminist hoes out there

Jordai

October 27th, 2007, 10:00 AM

One guys walks up to a other guy and says...

"Can I borrow your nuts?"
"Yeah here your go..."
"...No your other nuts..."
"Oh, take these"
"Good grief...The other kinda...!"

The man who wonts to other guys nuts at this time is really getting fustrated and starts to pull a gun out to the guy he wonts his nuts from. The guys quickly reacts...

"Ok you can have my nuts!"
"About time."

The man who got the nuts walk off and starts back home...But soon realizes.

"Hey I wanted the Black ones!"

Jordai

October 27th, 2007, 10:02 AM

CHOIR
It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil
Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...

"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"

Jordai

October 27th, 2007, 10:08 AM

I took my girlfriend to her first football game. We had
great seats right behind our team's bench. After the game, I
asked her how she liked her first football game experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all those big muscles! Wow! But... I just can't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, and scratching my head. I then said,

"What do you mean, over 25 cents ?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Jordai

October 27th, 2007, 10:15 AM

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some damn’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more damn’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.

"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want that damn’ French toast you made."

Later that night...

"I don't know what to do" the mother replied to her husband. "Our kid are cussing!"

Her husband look at her and said, "Its that damn french toast you always make for us!"

Jordai

October 27th, 2007, 10:32 AM

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Hotsuma

October 27th, 2007, 07:17 PM

I just heard this on Who's got Jokes

"This one girl thought she was cute.. her booty was so flat her two back pockets was touching

I was like you need cheese(?) in your diet.. Drink some mayonnaise or something"

that one got me lmao

baseball_umpire

November 2nd, 2007, 09:13 PM

bump.......

krunchybox

November 19th, 2007, 11:22 AM

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of **** every year from drinking water.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.

WATER = ****

RUM,WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself from ****, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk **** than to drink water and be full of ****.

krunchybox

November 19th, 2007, 11:23 AM

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

From Kansas City!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for a dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

krunchybox

November 19th, 2007, 11:25 AM

A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied "when I ran out of chain"

************************************************** **********************

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed **** charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

krunchybox

November 19th, 2007, 11:27 AM

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He Tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he coul d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning,
Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

************************************************** ******************

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."

About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"

The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

krunchybox

November 19th, 2007, 11:29 AM

A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

krunchybox

November 19th, 2007, 11:32 AM

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

krunchybox

December 21st, 2007, 05:56 AM

Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy I cannot give you cyanide to kill your husband! That is against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any Cyanide"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

krunchybox

December 21st, 2007, 05:59 AM

It's your first time

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

krunchybox

December 21st, 2007, 06:02 AM

As you are receiving email, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

krunchybox

December 21st, 2007, 06:09 AM

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart *** student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a ******** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

MichaelPittman32

December 21st, 2007, 06:10 PM

^^^ Sad :rotfl: :rotfl: only person here telling jokes...........

krunchybox

December 21st, 2007, 08:08 PM

^^^ Sad :rotfl: :rotfl: only person here telling jokes...........

Sooooooo.....what's your point?

jimo2305

December 21st, 2007, 08:13 PM

im readin' them.. they're pretty funny.. i just dont have many jokes to tell myself

MuffinMcFluffin

December 21st, 2007, 08:13 PM

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

Jordai

December 22nd, 2007, 12:31 PM

^^

:lol:

I like that last one Muffin.

chestnutz6

December 26th, 2007, 08:50 PM

Hahahaha nice one muffin.

----

Bush jokes FTW!!!

So three terrorists take Condoleeza, Cheney, and George Bush hostage. They figure it's going nowhere, and decide to kill them all.

First up is Condy, and before the kill her they ask if she has any last words. She yells "FLOOD" and everyone freaks out, and she gets away.

Next is Cheney, they ask if she has any last words. He yells "EARTHQUAKE," everyone freaks out, and he gets away.

Last is president Bush. They ask if he has any last words, and with his quick wit, he yells "FIRE!" They shoot him.

nbagamer

December 26th, 2007, 09:02 PM

There's three girls stranded on an island, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. Suddenly they find a magic jeany and it gives them 1 wish each. First the redhead asks to be 25% smarter so she can get of the island. Then, the redhead learned to swim and swum off the island. Secondly, the brunette asks to be 50% smarter so she can get off the island. Then, the brunette learned to make a raft out of the trees and used the raft to get of the island. Lastly the blond asks to be 100% smarter so she can get off the island. Suddenly the blond turns into a man and crosses the bridge.

fnz51

January 4th, 2008, 02:05 PM

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" and I thought: That's a fair trade.

I used to eat at this restaurant all the time, but not anymore though. Because one time I went into the bathroom and there was a sign that read: "Employees must wash hands: especially Carl."

I had a rough summer. In June my pet turtle ran away, and by August it was gone.

Fry Pujols

January 4th, 2008, 02:50 PM

So i join this forum right? and this guy asks me how old am i.

so i tell him and i say 25. he said; 25 ehh? you act like your 2.

so you think im 2 years old? i said. he said yes and i said yes. turns out that i am actually 2 and he was 5 so turns out that me and the man are 25 years old.

MichaelPittman32

January 4th, 2008, 08:40 PM

Sup Fry Pujols?

krunchybox

January 7th, 2008, 07:49 AM

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

He's a funeral director,' she answered.

Interesting, the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show,three to get ready, and four to go.'

MichaelPittman32

January 7th, 2008, 07:56 AM

^^ DAMN u still got what gamefather said to me in ur sig..ol skool

Jordai

January 7th, 2008, 08:55 PM

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Jordai

January 7th, 2008, 08:57 PM

(Note: The people in this joke are not talking to each other to let you know.)

Adam: "You are what you eat."
---
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
---
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
---
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
---
Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
---
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
---
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
---
Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
---
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
---
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

Jordai

January 7th, 2008, 09:02 PM

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Jordai

January 7th, 2008, 09:03 PM

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

:rotfl:

krunchybox

January 9th, 2008, 04:25 PM

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

krunchybox

January 9th, 2008, 04:26 PM

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week.He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food.

He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has.It looks very tasty.

The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having.The waiter says there is no more left.

The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning.He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.

The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.

The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious.But he is confused about one thing.He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.

The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."

krunchybox

January 9th, 2008, 04:27 PM

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

krunchybox

January 9th, 2008, 04:29 PM

My flight was being served by an obviously *** flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, *****."

krunchybox

January 9th, 2008, 04:30 PM

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger; "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass; the same stuff, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

Jordai

January 9th, 2008, 09:07 PM

MichaelPittman32

January 10th, 2008, 02:39 AM

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH WAIT didnt ready any of them..

Rapcity

January 10th, 2008, 01:13 PM

you stay G'd up.

Can't.Tell.Me.Nothing

January 19th, 2008, 04:20 PM

Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food?
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Neither have they.

thefreak985

January 19th, 2008, 04:50 PM

ive got a good joke...ALL Democrats

Can't.Tell.Me.Nothing

January 19th, 2008, 07:31 PM

Since I am half-mexican/half-black, I am allowed to make the following jokes (they're not too vulgar):

Q: How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
A: They don't work in the future, either.

Q: What is the worst 3 years of a Mexican's life?
A: First grade.

Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Father's Day.

Q: A black-man and a Mexican jump off the Empire State building. Who hits the ground first?
A: Who cares.

Q: There is a black man and a Mexican in a car. Who's driving?
A: The cop.

Q: How are Mexican's like *****?
A: Only one in a million actually work.

Q: What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A: A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?"

Q: What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
A: Batman can go out at night without Robin.

And my personal favourites:
Q: Why do white people go to a black man's yard sale?
A: To get all their stuff back.

Q: Why don't Mexicans have any Olympic teams?
A: Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim have already left the country.

Q: Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

krunchybox

January 20th, 2008, 09:48 AM

MuffinMcFluffin

January 20th, 2008, 11:00 AM

Q: How are Mexican's like *****?
A: Only one in a million actually work.I'm not much for racist jokes, but I think you got this one pretty much the opposite of what it should be. As far as I'm concerned, most all people of Mexican descent living in America struggle so hard just to remain living here, including the work they have to do that us Americans think we're too good to do.

I hope you're not complaining next time your watermelon seeds aren't picked out for you.

krunchybox

January 27th, 2008, 08:32 AM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Hotsuma

January 27th, 2008, 10:03 AM

those Mexican jokes were not funny at all..

Mexicans are some of the most hardest working people in this country...

jimo2305

January 27th, 2008, 10:41 AM

those Mexican jokes were not funny at all..

Mexicans are some of the most hardest working people in this country...
lol.. oh oh.. so the black jokes were funny?

Hotsuma

January 27th, 2008, 10:44 AM

yes...............

krunchybox

January 28th, 2008, 02:13 PM

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not even a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

krunchybox

January 28th, 2008, 02:14 PM

Heaven

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

krunchybox

January 28th, 2008, 02:16 PM

Alligator shoes

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!"

krunchybox

January 30th, 2008, 12:24 PM

Did you ever wonder?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

jimo2305

January 30th, 2008, 12:31 PM

^^ lol good ones :lol: keep 'em comin'

krunchybox

January 30th, 2008, 03:00 PM

Little Johnny's at it again.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who
thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny
stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"
-----------------
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful,"
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
----------------
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon
Network!"
------------------------
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The
detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
----------------------------
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few
minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father
replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking
worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Jordai

January 30th, 2008, 08:02 PM

^ I like that last one! :lol:

REDSFAN2004

January 30th, 2008, 09:15 PM

what does ohio state and marijuana have in common.both are smoked in bowls.:rotfl:

Can't.Tell.Me.Nothing

January 31st, 2008, 06:28 AM

^^ LOL, nice one.

vickhalloffame

January 31st, 2008, 08:49 AM

whats the difference between a cereal bowl and new orleans? one gets filled with milk the other gets filled with water

krunchybox

January 31st, 2008, 10:20 AM

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Jordai

January 31st, 2008, 10:22 AM

whats the difference between a cereal bowl and new orleans? one gets filled with milk the other gets filled with water

Not cool...

:thumbsdow

vickhalloffame

January 31st, 2008, 11:09 AM

Not cool...

:thumbsdow

no sense of humor?

jimo2305

January 31st, 2008, 11:15 AM

whats the difference between a cereal bowl and new orleans? one gets filled with milk the other gets filled with water
BOOOOOOO!!.. no joke's funny when it has to do with innocent people dying

vickhalloffame

January 31st, 2008, 12:02 PM

BOOOOOOO!!.. no joke's funny when it has to do with innocent people dying\

hey if my aunt and grandma can lose a house and still laugh at that joke, i would think some of you with a sense of humor could too. guess people are just to sensitive to take a joke.

jimo2305

January 31st, 2008, 12:05 PM

\

hey if my aunt and grandma can lose a house and still laugh at that joke, i would think some of you with a sense of humor could too. guess people are just to sensitive to take a joke.

no i got a sense of humor.. i could see how it's funny yea.. im not all like "omg.. you're gonna go to hell for saying that.." but some victims would totally take that the opposite way than your aunt and grandma.. i would just abstain from even joking on that subject altogether.. i don't mean to criticize u or anything.. i havent lost anyone to the tragedy personally.. but im jus saying someone else may have and may not take to the joke lightly

Jordai

January 31st, 2008, 12:10 PM

what does ohio state and marijuana have in common.both are smoked in bowls.:rotfl:

:rotfl:

That was awesome...

krunchybox

February 1st, 2008, 01:27 PM

You Have Two Cows...

DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Many are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

jimo2305

February 1st, 2008, 05:01 PM

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
:rotfl: lol

krunchybox

February 4th, 2008, 12:10 PM

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe ****s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

jjredick4

February 4th, 2008, 12:15 PM

^^ #17 lmao

The_Gamefather

February 4th, 2008, 12:43 PM

NHL 2K8 is a good hockey game. That was the joke.

Jordai

February 4th, 2008, 12:57 PM

I got a joke.

Patriots. :D

tyrell2110

February 4th, 2008, 08:58 PM

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: Where to?

Here are some tips.
AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.
That stuff about florida is true, I just moved here and thought I was the only one who noticed these things

tyrell2110

February 4th, 2008, 09:18 PM

In Honor of Stupid People

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.
This was the best so far nuber 56

tyrell2110

February 5th, 2008, 08:35 AM

[QUOTE=REDSFAN2004]what does ohio state and marijuana have in common.both are smoked in bowls.:[QUOTE=REDSFAN2004]
I don't get it how is weed smoked in a bowl

jjredick4

February 5th, 2008, 01:52 PM

^^ lmao...

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:29 AM

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:30 AM

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:31 AM

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:32 AM

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:35 AM

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:37 AM

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:38 AM

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:40 AM

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:41 AM

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:45 AM

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:48 AM

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:49 AM

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

krunchybox

February 7th, 2008, 03:51 AM

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

krunchybox

February 8th, 2008, 06:14 PM

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

krunchybox

February 8th, 2008, 06:16 PM

Only found in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet ***e...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

krunchybox

February 8th, 2008, 06:17 PM

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

krunchybox

February 8th, 2008, 06:19 PM

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Jordai

February 8th, 2008, 06:21 PM

Lol, I like the Airplane joke.

MichaelPittman32

February 8th, 2008, 06:23 PM

http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film2/DVDReviews32/a%20lol/ttile%20lol.jpg

Jordai

February 8th, 2008, 06:49 PM

^ Lol, lol...

eye guy

February 9th, 2008, 06:50 AM

What did one statue say to the other statue????

Statue bro???

I know., that was stupid but I haven't heard good joke in a while...

eye guy

February 9th, 2008, 06:52 AM

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

Hahahahahahahaha, classic.........

jimo2305

February 9th, 2008, 11:11 AM

What did one statue say to the other statue????

Statue bro???

I know., that was stupid but I haven't heard good joke in a while...
u deserve to be banned for that.. :rolleyes:

krunchybox

February 9th, 2008, 11:31 AM

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

krunchybox

February 9th, 2008, 11:34 AM

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

krunchybox

February 9th, 2008, 11:35 AM

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/cotd.gif

krunchybox

February 9th, 2008, 11:37 AM

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

krunchybox

February 9th, 2008, 11:41 AM

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

************************************************** *********************

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or *****?

krunchybox

February 9th, 2008, 11:47 AM

Milwaukee, Wisconsin:

A man's house is in very close proximity to the airport (Mitchell Field). In fact, if you are looking out your window as you are landing, you feel as if you will barely clear his house before landing on the runway.

As a way to have fun with the passengers who see the roof of his house, the man went up on and painted in large white letters: Welcome to Cleveland!

eye guy

February 11th, 2008, 01:14 AM

Actual, Funny Answers to a quiz: A first grade school teacher saved these funny quiz answers about proverbs during a pop quiz test.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. For a quiz, she gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first grade kids (6 or 7 year-olds)!

* Strike while the ………insect is close.
* Never underestimate the power of…………ants.
* Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
* Better to be safe than…………….punch a grade 7 boy.
* If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
* It’s always darkest before…………DaylightSaving Time.
* You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
* No news is…………………………….impossible.
* A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
* You can’t teach an old dog new…………..maths.
* Love all, trust………………………..me.
* The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
* An idle mind is…………………the best way to relax.
* Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
* Happy the bride who……………gets all the presents.
* A penny saved is……………………….not much.
* Two’s company, three’s…………………the Musketeers.
* Don’t put off till tomorrow what….you put on to go to bed.
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……….you have to blow your nose.
* There are none so blind as………………Stevie Wonder.
* Children should be seen and not………….smacked or grounded.
* If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
* You get out of something only what you……see in the picture on the box.
* When the blind leadeth the blind……..get out of the way.
* And the favorite:
* Better late than……………………….pregnant

krunchybox

February 11th, 2008, 02:17 PM

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

krunchybox

February 11th, 2008, 02:24 PM

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/***ebet.jpg

krunchybox

February 11th, 2008, 02:27 PM

Reasons computers must be male

It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.

krunchybox

February 12th, 2008, 06:52 AM

Real newspaper headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

krunchybox

February 12th, 2008, 06:55 AM

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me

krunchybox

February 12th, 2008, 06:56 AM

Bumper stickers

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

krunchybox

February 12th, 2008, 07:01 AM

Things to ponder

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

krunchybox

February 12th, 2008, 07:04 AM

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

krunchybox

February 12th, 2008, 07:05 AM

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:20 AM

Determining the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:21 AM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the
young man.
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said,

'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut
off my electricity this morning.'

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:22 AM

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix
the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood a man. The man said,
"Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied,
"Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted.

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:22 AM

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:23 AM

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:23 AM

7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfr iend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; Then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come h ome to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:24 AM

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr.. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kaluha, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:24 AM

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:24 AM

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

'We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,' said one trooper.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'

Oh my God!' exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:25 AM

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

krunchybox

July 24th, 2008, 10:25 AM

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife undressed. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely undressed to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see undressed women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America !

lllllll23lllllll

July 25th, 2008, 10:55 PM

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Nobody

Nobody who?

.

nbagamer

July 26th, 2008, 05:23 AM

There are three blonds stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy apprears to grant each of them a wish.
The first blond asks to be intelligent.
Inastantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.
The black haired woman builds a bout and sails off the island.
The third blond asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge!

nbagamer

July 26th, 2008, 05:25 AM

Wow Krunchybox, you got a joke book next to you?

nbagamer

July 27th, 2008, 01:48 AM

When god was handing out brains you thought he said trains so asked for a slow one. :p

nbagamer

July 27th, 2008, 01:55 AM

Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers

nbagamer

July 27th, 2008, 02:04 AM

English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King

English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Did you go to the beach?
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?

English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei

English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?

krunchybox

July 27th, 2008, 09:35 AM

jimo2305

July 28th, 2008, 12:39 PM

Jordai

July 28th, 2008, 05:20 PM

Lol, Hu Flung Dung. :rotfl:

Jordai

July 28th, 2008, 05:24 PM

A dinosaur and a caveman walked inside a toy store, then they walked out.

vince94

July 28th, 2008, 05:38 PM

A dinosaur and a caveman walked inside a toy store, then they walked out.
Ofcourse they walked out. No one is going to stay in a toy store for a long time...

vince94

July 28th, 2008, 05:46 PM

There's a white man trapped in a burning building. Firefighters were unable to save him though because he turned into something else...He turned into...

Firecrackers...

vince94

July 28th, 2008, 05:57 PM

why did the chicken cross the road? only i know the answer to this one lol
Cuz he feels like it.

Brew Crew07

July 29th, 2008, 10:09 AM

What do rocks and girls have in common??

krunchybox

July 29th, 2008, 01:55 PM

Blonde - Blonde Painter

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
"How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all Those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde
Replied, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

krunchybox

July 30th, 2008, 03:23 PM

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

krunchybox

July 31st, 2008, 08:09 AM

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Brew Crew07

July 31st, 2008, 12:08 PM

Jordai

July 31st, 2008, 02:29 PM

Q: Why are Dogs such bad dancers?
A: Because they got two left feet.

Q: Why do the Buffalo Bills suck?
A: Because!

Jordai

July 31st, 2008, 02:32 PM

I think I've posted this...

Q: Why do the Tennesse Vols fans have to wait until Saturday to go back to Knoxville?
A: Because they're tractors don't have headlights!

Jordai

July 31st, 2008, 02:40 PM

Q. Did you hear about the big power outage at the KU student Union?

A. Forty Jayhawks were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

__________________________________________

Q. What's the difference between a litter of puppies and KU fans?

A. Puppies eventually grow up and stop whinning!

__________________________________________________

Q. How do you keep Jayhawks out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal-post!

__________________________________________________

Q. Why is "The Wave" outlawed at Allen Feildhouse?

A. Two Jayhawks drowned last year.

__________________________________________________

Q. Did you hear that Roy Williams is only dressing six players for the game against Missouri?

A. The rest will dress themselves.

__________________________________________________ _

Q. How do you get a KU graduate off your porch?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

__________________________________________________ _

Q. How do you run a small buisness?

A. Start with a large one and put a KU graduate in charge!

__________________________________________________

Q. Did you hear that the Jayhawks decided to cover Allen Feildhouse court in newsprint for next season?

A. The team always looks better on paper.

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A man was walking in the woods when he came upon a river. On the other side, there was a man wearing a KU hat. The man yelled to the KU fan, "How do you get to the other side of the river?" The KU fan responded, "You moron, you're already on the other side!"

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Q. What are the best four years of a Jayhawker's life?

A. The third grade.

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Q. What do you get if you cross a groundhog with a Kansas football player?

A. Six more years of bad football.

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Q.What do you get if you drive by the KU campus real slow?

A. A degree.

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Q. Why do KU graduates hang their deplomas on their rearview mirrors?

A. So they can park in the handicapped spot.

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Q. Why doesn't KU have ice on the sidelines?

A. The guy with the recipie graduated.

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Q. What does the average KU player get on their SATs?

A. Drool.

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KU has decided to change the football's mascot to the opposum scince they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Q. Why don't KU grads use 911 in an emergancy?

A. Because they can't find the "eleven" on the phone dial.

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Q. Why was KU late for so many games last year?

A. Everytime they passed a sign that said "Clean Restrooms" they did.

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Q. Why did they have to cancel the Christmas play at KU last year?

A. They couldn't find three wise men.

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Q. How do you keep a KU girl from biting her nails?

A. Make her wear shoes.

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Q. How do you break a Jayhawker's finger?

A. Punch him in the nose.

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Q. What does it say on the bottom of ***e bottles in Kansas?

A. Open other end.